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"Like many women, she doesn't even have time to think about him during the day, and she uses what little energy she has left to give him a meager kiss goodnight. With days that fly by at Mach 10 speed, little time is left for relaxation, let alone love and intimacy." Patty Brisben, CEO, Pure Romance |
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PINK Romance Blogger BEYOND THE BOARDROOM Posted on May 28, 2008
Whether it was the controversial 1960s best-seller The Feminine Mystique, Helen Gurley Brown's near 30-year advocacy of women's sexual freedom as editor-in-chief of Cosmopolitan, or even Madonna's iconic cone-shaped bra in the '90s – more than ever before, women are leveling the playing field (ahem … Hillary Clinton). We're not only breadwinners, but also enlightened and active participants in the bedroom.
As the CEO and founder of Pure Romance, I applaud this movement and not only strive to inspire and empower women to be self-sufficient, successful professionals, but also teach them that they are capable of being leaders in all aspects of life. Pure Romance educates women all over the country about sexual health to help them understand that leading a healthy sexual life is an important avenue to happiness in any relationship. Nurturing this aspect can create a domino effect of self-reliance and contentment that will spill into other areas of life such as career, health and even relationships with peers.
You don't have to be the most confident woman you know in order to achieve sexual empowerment. If you are a bit on the shy side, there is no reason why you too cannot take steps to learn how to feel more self-assured in the bedroom. Take the time to learn new things about your partner. Start slowly, and don't feel like you have to go all-out on the very first try. Realize that with effort, communication and a little TLC, you will get to where you want to be in just a matter of time.
I would recommend beginning by doing a little research with Sadie Allison's Tickle Your Fancy, an instructive guide on self-pleasure and sexual awareness. This is a wonderful tool to teach you more about what brings you pleasure, which will in turn allow you to communicate this to your partner. With a little knowledge and practice, confidence will come naturally in bed. Not to mention, showing that you are taking control and willing to call the shots will more than likely be a major turn-on for your partner. In addition, you can always leave this book lying out where your partner will be sure to find it; it won't be long before he will know how to push all of your playful and pleasurable buttons as well.
Reminder: When it comes to intimacy, always treat each other with thoughtfulness and respect. Enjoy the time you spend together. Support one another. Communicate clearly and openly. Encourage time with friends. And finally, feel secure and comfortable in your relationship. Many couples claim to practice these actions all the time, but these small but crucial gestures often go overlooked. Taking the time to be more attentive outside the bedroom is just another way to empower one another intimately over the long run!
Patty Brisben is founder and CEO of Pure Romance. pureromance.com To comment on this blog, e-mail blog@pinkmagazine.com and enter "Romance" in the sujbect line. . . . . . . . . . .
SEX AFTER CHILDBIRTH: Does Such a Thing Exist?
Happy Mother's Day, you say? Depends on whom you're talking to. Most new moms (and dads) struggle to keep the romance alive. As the age-old stereotype goes, you can expect to kiss your sex life goodbye with the arrival of a newborn. Indeed, having a baby turns your entire life upside down, and sex will undoubtedly be different, but it doesn't need to disappear.
Men and women alike agree it takes time and effort to get things going again in the bedroom. Exhaustion alone is enough to crush anyone's libido, but women suffer more physically as they adjust to their post-labor bodies. Recovery from a C-section, perineal tearing, episiotomy stitches and changing hormones are only a few issues that might impact a woman's desire for physical intimacy. She's likely also contending with insecurities about the appearance of her body.
Postpartum moms aren't alone in this period of adjustment. New fathers must also adapt to their new roles. Additional responsibilities and pressures can take their toll, and while a man may still want to have sex, he may not have the energy for the romance and foreplay his partner may have enjoyed in the past. Now pressed for time, and perhaps even feeling somewhat neglected, fathers may want to get right to business. Generally they will find this approach doesn't get them very far.
So while you may feel worlds apart from your partner, the road back might not be as long as you think. I once heard some very wise relationship advice from a couple who have been happily married for 35 years, and their two grown children attest to the benefits of their parents' happy partnership. They maintained that always putting the couple first is the secret to a prosperous home. In our kid-centric society, making the parental relationship a priority sounds nearly criminal, but maybe there's something to be said for the insightful advice of this couple. A successful home needs a solid foundation headed by committed, loving leaders. A couple that makes their way from dating to marriage likely started with an active sex life, continued intimacy and clear communication. The tools used early on in a relationship are what can keep it exciting and new – so back to basics.
I'm not naïvely suggesting you'll want to rip your partner's clothes off while the baby is wailing in the background, but you don't have to wait until he's left for college before you head back to the bedroom. Here are some suggestions to get you started:
1. Talk, talk, talk! As always, communication is the key. It's normal to feel anxious or uncertain about how to approach the issues and feelings you've been experiencing, but just go for it. Kindly say what you need to say. Then ask questions, and don't forget to listen.
2. Plan a "date night." Ideally you'll be able to find a sitter and head out for a night on the town. If that's not possible, create a special evening at home. Put your little one down for the evening and let your night begin. Take it one step further by treating it with as much attention as you would a first date. Have your partner go out and ring the doorbell, and when you invite him in, he should tell you how fabulous he thinks you look. Set the table, light some candles, and sit down to enjoy a meal and good conversation. Establish a baby talk embargo for the duration of your date. Allow time for just the two of you. Being a parent is only part of your identity. You're also partners, lovers and friends. Don't forget to nurture those elements of yourselves.
3. Shift your focus. Take turns focusing solely on the other's needs. Maybe it's a luxuriating foot massage or perhaps something a bit racier. Forget about yourself for a little while. It can be surprisingly rewarding.
4. Step into the unknown. As you enter this new phase of your relationship, consider trying completely new things. Maybe the introduction of toys and techniques would shake things up and keep both of you on your toes. Pure Romance's The Complete Manual of Sexual Positions offers more than 170 positions. Surely you haven't tried them all.
And try not to take yourselves so seriously. Remember why you decided to become parents in the first place, and take time to appreciate the partner you chose. You're on this path together, and each stop is going to look different than the last. Remember, the journey is the reward! Patty Brisben is founder and CEO of Pure Romance. pureromance.com To comment on this blog, e-mail blog@pinkmagazine.com and enter "Romance" in the sujbect line. . . . . . . . . . . MAINTENANCE MATTERS I've lost count of the women (and men, for that matter) who've told me they're dissatisfied with their romantic relationships. They tell me, "I'm bored. It's useless. It's just not the same." We're moving faster than ever today, and supposedly all the available conveniences give us more time, but in reality that doesn't seem to be the case. One of my closest friends, a successful high-level executive, mother of three and wife, came to me a few months ago in despair, fearing her marriage was nearing extinction. I asked her if she and her husband had been doing any kind of maintenance work. She looked at me like I had three heads. Then I rephrased my question asking, "OK, what do you do to look so put-together all the time?" She laughed, "It takes an army. I have my hair stylist, manicurist, trainer, dermatologist, masseuse, meditation coach … should I go on?" At that moment it was like a light bulb went off in her head. Why should relationships be any different? You shouldn't expect that just because you love someone, everything is automatically supposed to fall right into place. A wide range of things could be considered relationship "upkeep." However, maintenance doesn't have to be as tedious as waiting in line at the DMV to renew your tags or weeding your front lawn. It is, however, equally important. First, it's probably a worthwhile exercise to assess exactly what needs attention. Do you need more time in the bedroom, or do your communication skills need some polishing? Maybe you need to rediscover your common interests or establish some new ones. Worst-case scenario – you may need a complete overhaul! You would be amazed at how making some small changes in the way you communicate can make a huge difference in the way you and your significant other relate to one another. Have your conversations become routine or repetitive? Or maybe you or your partner has become overly negative in the way you speak to one another. If you find that there's a long list of things you are focusing on (for example, requesting more help with the baby, being more supportive with your career or even something as small as telling him to put down the toilet seat or pick up towels off the floor, etc.), try to prioritize the most important and go from there. It can sometimes break down communication when your daily conversations change from connecting to criticizing. Another relationship maintenance tool is creating more time for one another. As a busy career woman, chances are the reason you haven't spent quality time together is you feel like you just don't have any time. Prioritizing and time management are vital tools to success in the professional world, and the same can be applied to your personal life. Take a look at what's most important to do together. Do you need more time on the weekends or weekdays? Can you skip some of those less-important work events? If not, when it's appropriate, ask your partner to join you. If the weekends feel overbooked, think about how to use your time more effectively. Find a workout routine that suits both of you, or accept that offer for a kid-free afternoon and make that trip to the art exhibit or your favorite restaurant happen. In the 25-plus years I've been working with women, I've continually heard tales of boredom in the bedroom, and even when a flame still exists, everyone's too tired to stoke it. A lot of this has to do with becoming comfortable or falling into a sexual routine. Adding spontaneity, both in and out of the bedroom, can really do the trick. In the bedroom, treat your partner to a massage with massage oil for an evening of relaxing intimacy. Out of the bedroom, make a commitment with your partner to each do one single thing differently every day for at least three months – whether it's as small as surprising them with a loving text message or as ornate as planning an entire evening out doing something neither of you has ever done. You'll be amazed at how much a little effort can go a very long way. While those are easier fixes, I realize how deeply complicated relationships can become, and like anything, if something's gone neglected for too long it may need more serious attention. This is when I suggest seeking outside help. You'd visit the mechanic to rebuild your car's engine, so why not a couple's counselor to save your relationship? A professional third party can facilitate remarkable change between a couple struggling to make things work. Whatever your situation, it's helpful to remember that you get out what you put in, so if you're expecting great things from your relationship, expect to give the attention and nurturing it's going to need. A fulfilling intimate relationship isn't going to maintain itself. Patty Brisben is founder and CEO of Pure Romance. pureromance.com To comment on this blog, e-mail blog@pinkmagazine.com and enter "Romance" in the sujbect line. . . . . . . . . . . VALENTINE'S DAY IS ABOUT MORE THAN CHOCOLATES AND TEDDY BEARS
It's February – the month of love and Pure Romance's busiest time of year. The holidays are over, it's a new year, and everyone is looking forward to Valentine's Day. When love is in the air, Pure Romance's online sales soar; our consultants throw parties night after night; and I'm jumping from one interview to the next, giving tips and advice on the perfect way to spend Valentine's Day with or without a partner.
We are constantly being sold on the idea that Valentine's Day is about chocolates, teddy bears, flowers and cards. And most couples buy it. People feel compelled to engage in "traditional" Valentine's Day gift-giving, but Valentine's Day can and should be about more than disposable novelty gifts. Valentine's Day should be a reminder to let your significant other know how much you love and appreciate him or her, which is more about thought than money.
Gift-giving can be potentially stressful, but don't let it be. It should be fun – and it's not so much the gift but the meaning behind it and the memories and experience you will hopefully create.
When couples are in a new relationship, they are often in what I call an "interview stage." Tickets to a concert or play are a fun way to spend the evening together without too much pressure. For the more mature relationship, reminisce by eating at a special restaurant where you had your first date. Dinner and dancing can take you back to those courtship days where everything was new. While much of this is still considered gift-gifting, your bonding and shared experience from these thoughtful gifts will last a lifetime.
But like I said, Valentine's Day isn't all about the presents. Through my own personal relationships and day-to-day work with women as the founder of Pure Romance, I have learned a few tricks of the trade about what makes a healthy and committed relationship work. Be sure to take these tips with you and use them after Valentine's Day and throughout the year!
And don't forget – Valentine's Day is a day to celebrate love, whether single or attached! If you are single, use this day to tell loved ones how much you care about them, or go out and share a glass of wine with a good friend. Pure Romance also carries some great self-pampering items and bedroom accessories (where a partner is not always required).
Patty Brisben is founder and CEO of Pure Romance. pureromance.com To comment on this blog, e-mail blog@pinkmagazine.com and enter "Romance" in the sujbect line. . . . . . . . . . . LOW LIBIDO NATION After flying in to Cincinnati this morning, I stopped by the office for a quick meeting, had a call with some of our top sales consultants and headed over to a nice restaurant for dinner with some friends. As CEO and founder of Pure Romance, an in-home direct sales company specializing in romance and intimacy products, it's not unusual for friends (and sometimes even neighbors and acquaintances!) to ask me questions about sexuality and relationships. Tonight was no different. One of my girlfriends said, "Patty, I've been so busy with work that I can't think about anything but sleep by the time I get home at night. I can only imagine how busy you must be. What do you recommend a busy professional woman should do to keep romance alive?" She went on to say she sometimes works 60- to 70-hour weeks and feels like she never has any time for her boyfriend. Like many women, she doesn't even have time to think about him during the day, and she uses what little energy she has left to give him a meager kiss goodnight. With days that fly by at Mach 10 speed, little time is left for relaxation, let alone love and intimacy. Here's the good news and the bad news: She isn't the only one. Everything in our world is fast-paced, and everyone feels the effects of our hectic lifestyle. Whether it's high-speed Internet, self-checkout lines at the grocery store or added lanes on the freeway, we work and play faster than ever before. But somehow, any time we save is filled with more tasks. Our to-do list just keeps on growing. With a family, career and all the stuff in between, our obligations grow and our time for self indulgences diminishes. But intimacy is so important. It must become a priority, no matter how little time you have to spare. One way to find time for those simple but important things (like quality time with the ones we love) is to plan ahead. Intimacy doesn't have to be a chore. It should be a pleasure that you incorporate into your life wherever and whenever possible. If you don't have time or money to take a romantic getaway, take a bubble bath together (it only takes an hour). Or, better yet, make romance a part of your everyday routine: Hold hands at the movies, go for a stroll in the park, or have dinner somewhere special and away from the TV – maybe even picnic in your very own backyard. And take whatever time you have left to shake things up in the bedroom. The constraints of a busy schedule don't have to keep you from making romance fun and exciting. No matter how much time you have, get a little creative by using accessories, games and lingerie or sensual lotions next time you're in the bedroom. Plan a surprise rendezvous on your commute home. Get over your inhibitions and share your fantasies with your partner – and act them out! Communication is the key to a successful relationship. Also, intimacy isn't just for the bedroom; spice it up by moving from room to room! The cooking doesn't always have to be done in the kitchen. And speaking of cooking, in the same way we buy cookbooks to get ideas for new recipes, explore books on sex and intimacy as a way to learn ideas for how to add spontaneity and novelty into any relationship. Books like Tickle Your Fancy (Tickle Kitty Inc., 2001) and The Erotic Massage Book (Secret Garden Publishing, 1989) open lines of communication and can improve intimacy, helping to keep a relationship strong. A healthy and happy relationship brings joy to life and hopefully has a positive ripple effect into other areas. If you're happy at home and in the bedroom, you're more likely to be happy at work too. So next time you look at your calendar to schedule a hair appointment or business meeting, check to make sure you have time to put romance on the books as well! Patty Brisben is founder and CEO of Pure Romance. pureromance.com To comment on this blog, e-mail blog@pinkmagazine.com and enter "Romance" in the sujbect line. |
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