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Musings from the Corner Office
By Bitchy Betsy
Provided by: Divine Caroline

TALES OF A WORKPLACE SINGLE 

Time to crack the corporate champagne and have a pillow fight! Haven't you heard? It's Single Working Woman's Week!

Yeah, right. Let's get real, girls—every week is Single Working Woman's Week. I mean, unless you are an heiress, princess or actress, most of us singletons don't really have an option at the end of the day. Single slave or single starve. 

Not that I'm complaining (honestly, I'd be too afraid to complain lest one of my working mother friends hear me—I'd never hear the end of how little I understand about REAL pressure and REAL responsibility). I actually enjoy ruling over my own little corporate kingdom, but I think it's about time the work force recognizes that just because I'm not a mother or wife, it doesn't mean I don't have a life. Of course, I have loads of friends in the family-way, but since it's my week and all, I thought I'd celebrate with a good, old fashion bitch session.

It seems every time someone needs to stay late or work weekends, we singles get the short end of the stick. There is this automatic assumption that Miss Childfree will step her stylish stiletto in to save the rest of the team, burdened as they are with more …

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READY, SET, RETREAT!

Get ready to wave the white flag and retreat. It's time for that least favorite of mid-year rituals: the corporate kumbaya, a.k.a—the dreaded summer management conference.

It's about this time every year that C-Suites across the country pack their pasty selves up for an ocean front view of corporate synergy. Unlike its more sober counterpart, the year-end-crap-that-means-we-gotta-seriously-start-planning-for-next-year management meeting, the mid-year retreat is supposed to be all about fun and bonding. Which means it sucks much, much more …

A boondoggle thinly disguised by an aggressive agenda of team building, best practices, and outdoor activity, the summer retreat might actually be fun if you were going along with a group of friends. But once you throw corporate colleagues into the mix, bonding starts to look a whole lot more like bondage.

Someone always has the bright idea to plan these things at the end of the earth so you spend more time traveling than actually meeting, and with every waking moment scheduled, it's not like there is any time to explore …

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TRAVELER'S LAMENT


The year has only just started, and it's already starting to feel like one long red-eye. Not that I mind getting out and about but, first class or not, flying the unfriendly skies for work just isn't what it used to be.

Let's skip the irritation, inconvenience, and indignities of the security process, including the questionable wisdom of the 3-1-1. And there isn't much that hasn't been said about the glories of doing time behind the curtain, aka economy class/tourist class/low class.

It's not so much the hours I lose from my life in the coming and going or the nightmarish people and situations I encounter along the way that stress me out. It's the crash landing that first day back in the office that is really a hardship assignment …


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GIVING AT THE OFFICE

You know the year has officially started when the Girl Scouts arrive … Down the hall they file, shyly clutching an order form with one little hand and a coworker's leg with the other.

The troops' timing is suspiciously shrewd for such a noble organization, just as your New Year's resolution resolve is crumbling, and you're starting to fantasize about swapping your salad for a Do-si-do with a sleeve of Thin Mints, but that's another story …

The cookie crunch signals the start of the yearlong parade of people wanting to collect on your paycheck. Somewhere along the line, the office became an acceptable place for parents to work their colleagues over, fleecing them for fundraisers that support children they don't know …


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MENTOR OR TORMENTOR

Mentor or tormentor? Is there really a difference? Seriously, how did I miss the mentor memo? Not even a cc for me while everyone else was out there pairing up, mentor and mentee… 

It seems to be a recurring theme at every executive training session these days, and there are fewer and fewer independents I can do a collective eye roll with.

During one session at a recent retreat just for us lucky corporate co-eds, we were each given a blank sheet of paper and instructed to list the top five mentors in our lives, as well as five people who we mentor. Heads and pencils down, every other woman in the room was furiously …
 
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MEMO TO MEN
It probably doesn't shock you to learn that Bitchy Betsy isn't particularly a girly-girl at work. In fact, I'd say I play with the boys better than most and have productive, enjoyable relationships with many male colleagues. But let me tell you, sometimes I wanna hit a few of them upside the head with a five iron.

Whatever for, you ask? Glass ceiling got me down? Falling into the wage gap? Oh, no, I'm talking about much more base offenses.

For starters, there is the whole taking-the-newspaper-into-the-bathroom thing …
 
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CORPORATE SPEAK
I can no longer smugly ridicule the office buzz-heads who spout out one canned corporate catchphrase (let's take this offline!) after another (keep me in the loop!) after another (to your point!)….

With great shame, I must confess my own infraction.

The other day, I was on a conference call with a particularly painful colleague who kept going on with one dumb idea after another, when suddenly I heard myself pipe up like the little officebot I never thought I was …

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GIMME A BREAK
How many times have you thought to yourself: "Oh my, I'm so fried from staring at this screen, I think I'll head down the hall to the break room to take a breather."

Yeah, right… Don't know about you, but the office break room is pretty much the last place I'd go to hang out for a little de-stress. On the contrary, just the smell of it—let alone the site of it—kind of makes my stomach start to churn.

Yes, I'll admit to the occasional fly-by when the gossip is getting particularly good among the sassy young assistants. And it's mildly funny to peek in and spy on the big bosses trying to figure out how to make a photocopy. But let's be honest—the break room is probably the last place in the building most of us would ever…


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Bitchy Betsy, a vice president at a well-known Fortune 100 company, is a member of DivineCaroline.com, a website where working women like you can read and contribute stories, reviews and forums.

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