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She Earns More
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"There is a fear of women having too much power," she says. "Guys need to learn to keep their egos out of it, and women need to learn not to be intimidated. A woman can't keep herself smaller to make her husband feel bigger or the relationship will never work. He needs to feel strong and competent too."

Hayden has out-earned her husband for more than two decades and maintains that the only reason the relationship has lasted is because they hold regular meetings to address financial issues as they arise.

"Every week we have a different agenda. One week we may talk about cash flow, and another week we talk about retirement or budget," Hayden says. "Most couples don't talk about money until there's a problem. And then they don't have the skills to discuss it. They say things that are hurtful."

Being able to talk about money is certainly helpful, but Hayden also argues that a certain amount of financial space can help keep a marriage healthy. She suggests each spouse keep his or her own bank account, as well as a joint account for expenses such as housing and insurance. As long as couples can agree how much each spouse contributes to the joint account, and as long as there's enough to cover family expenses, personal purchases or indulgences shouldn't pose as much of a problem.

"Part of your life is separate from your partner, and a part of his life is separate from you," Hayden says. "Money should be the same way. We give our kids allowances so they have autonomy, but we sometimes forget to give ourselves autonomy."

It sounds good on paper, but for some couples, separate accounts could lead to a "that is mine, this is yours" mentality that is counter to the spirit of marriage. Regardless of whether or not you choose to keep separate accounts, it's just as important that couples work toward the same financial goals and can check in and assess their investments, according to Mary Claire Allvine, a Chicago-based certified financial planner and coauthor of The Family CFO: The Couple's Business Plan for Love and Money (Rodale, 2004).

"Effective couples can say, 'What's mine is mine and what's yours is yours,'" Allvine says. "Or they can say, 'We're putting all we have together.' Either way, start your marriage with good inventories of what you bring to the table and keep updated on resources available to fund your near- and long-term goals."

Earning more money than your partner shouldn't cause guilt or shame. Nor should women deny themselves the pleasure of taking home a healthy income to keep the peace in a relationship. You've earned it. You should enjoy it.

....

MARRIAGE MERGER

"Money is the number-one thing couples argue about, regardless of who is earning more," says Mary Claire Allvine, a certified financial planner and coauthor of The Family CFO: The Couple's Business Plan for Love and Money (Rodale, 2004) who has worked with hundreds of couples. She says couples who get out of debt, buy homes, have kids, change jobs and survive crises successfully share these three traits:

Establish common goals. If you're dreaming of an early retirement, say so. Find out if your partner is willing to make necessary sacrifices. If you would rather travel than build your 401(k), you'd better tell him now or the arguments about plane tickets are inevitable. Writing down common dreams will focus your energies and guide spending and living over time. The most successful couples I've met in my practice schedule an annual romantic weekend getaway to discuss their dreams.

Review and prepare. Couples can keep separate or joint assets. Either way, review everything at least annually to be sure you're on track to reaching your goals. Talk about what you've been avoiding: What would happen if things went wrong? What worries you and how do you want to solve problems? Agree, in writing, to a dispute resolution process if problems persist. Will you see a counselor? Can you agree to not go to bed angry?

Divide up duties. The best couples also talk about how they plan to work together. Solutions come easier when teammates play different positions. If you're better at paying bills but he's interested in researching mutual funds, say so. The everyday stuff will get done better and faster. Switching positions every year or so can alleviate any tedium.

Here are common jobs you need to assign to one another:
Bill paying; investment research (retirement and non-retirement); insurance review (what do you need, what do you have and whom do you trust to compare the costs of different policies?); estate planning (what would happen if the worst happened?); financial reporting (how are we doing?).

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